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CAUTION: SWEARING

At this time of the year, you honestly hated your job. It was early August; the height of tourist season in the great state of Maine, and the little shop you worked at didn’t have air conditioning. You worked in one of the countless tourist trap stores that lined the main street in Old Orchard Beach. You understood why every Mainer hated this season. The state motto may be “Vacationland”, but what we really mean is “Give us your money and leave.” But the thing about Old Orchard was that during the summer, you had a hard time telling if this was Maine or Canada.

That’s right. Canadians. They practically migrated down here during the height of the tourist season, taking their French, politeness, “ehs”, and the whole wearing-underwear-under-the-swimsuit thing (you had to find out the hard way).  Not that you didn't like them. They were nice enough.  It just got really, really old working in that tiny little shop and going days without hearing a familiar accent.

On this particular 100-something degree day, business went about as usual. You sat around and read a book until the bell hanging above the door chimed. You quickly stuffed the book under the counter and fixed a tight-lipped smile on your face.

“Hello, and welcome to…” you trailed off. This man was like nothing that had set foot in this store before. His long, pale blond hair was pulled back into a pony tail that rested on the base of his neck, one stubborn strand left dangling in front of his face like some odd organic antenna. His attire of jeans and a plaid long-sleeved shirt struck you as odd because of the scorching temperatures.

Reaching into a shirt pocket, he withdrew a crumpled pack of cigarettes and withdrew one, placing the cancer-stick to his lips and lighting it with a lighter that had the Canadian flag on it.

“Sir, you need to take that outside,” you growled. Already bad memories were swirling in your mind, memories of another time, another place, a lone cigarette, and fire, fire, so much fire.

“You’re the only one who seems to has a problem with it, eh?” the man said with a smirk before taking a drag and exhaling, smoke ghosting past his lips and into the store. The smell caused your stomach to churn and your mind to go fuzzy.

“I thought Canadians were supposed to be polite,” you huffed, leaning back in your chair and crossing your arms. “And this store has a distinct “no smoking” policy.”

“That’s just a stereotype,” the smoker replied, “and does it look like I give a damn?” He’s too cocky for his own good you thought and he needs to be taught a lesson. A slow, evil smirk worked it’s was across your face, causing the Canadian to pause.

“I’m going to give you to the count of three to either stop smoking, or get out of my shop,” you declared, voice firm and leaving no room for argument. The man rolled his eyes and continued to smoke.

“One.” He looked carefree and completely at ease with mercilessly tormenting you, even though he might not know about the tormenting part.

“Two.” He leaned against a shelf of over-priced trinkets, all branded with “Old Orchard Beach” in various locations, and his smirk grew into one that almost dared you to try and get him out of that store.

“Three.”

You reached under the counter and grasped the fire extinguisher, yanking the pin and spraying the rude Canadian with the thick white foam. He sputtered and gasped as the foam worked its way into his mouth and up his nose. You seized your chance and grabbed his arm, forcefully dragging him out of the store and into the crowded walkway before shoving him away from the door and watched while he unceremoniously collapsed onto the pavement outside.

The man growled, yanking the sunglasses off his face and attempting to clean them off, revealing an eye color so bizarre you honestly believed they were contacts. All of this was done while sending you a glare so harsh it would cause any normal person to flinch and hastily apologize.

Unfortunately for him, you were no normal person.

Your smile turned sickly sweet as you crossed your arms and said, “I warned you about our smoking policy sir, now I kindly ask that you leave and clean yourself up.” Sharply turning on your heel, you marched inside and began the extensive process of cleaning up the mess you had created.

xXxXxXx

He was back the next day, this time without the cigarettes. The bell jangled harshly with the force of the door being thrown open, and before you could comprehend what happened the Canadian was in front of you, glaring holes through the front cover of today’s book.

“You made a fool out of me yesterday,” he growled. You lazily glanced over the top at the furious Canadian before sighing and setting the book on your lap.

“To be fair, I warned you about our smoking policy, and you only made a fool out of yourself. Now I must kindly ask you to go fuck yourself,” you said in a bored tone before you picked up the book and resumed reading.

The man choked on air for a moment, causing you to glance up and witness an amused grin replaced the snarl on his face. “You have some guts, eh?”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that,” you replied, trying not to think about the last time someone said that to you.

“Name’s Matthew Williams,” the man said as he examined a framed article from the Portland Press Herald a few years back. You pretended not to notice.

“_______,” was all you said. Matthew glanced over at you for a moment before returning his attention to the article.

“So this place burned down a few years ago and you singlehandedly saved your boss and the jackass who started the fire, eh? Not bad,” he mused, the picture of the charred remains of the shop under observation from his scrutinizing gaze.

“Yeah. That jackass burned the place down with a single cigarette,” you admitted in the most uninterested voice you could muster.

“So that’s why you overreacted yesterday, eh?” Matthew spared another glance at you.

“I wouldn't call it that. I was just following store policy,” you replied with a shrug.
“Well, I’ll see you around,” he said before placing a scrap of paper bearing his number in the crease of the book and walking out of the store, disappearing among the crowd of tourists mobbing the street.

Old Orchard Beach may get overrun by Canadians every year, but you had never met a Canadian like Matthew before. You just might give him a call.

Maybe.
So, as a Mainer, I had to do this. No offence to any Canadians who like vacationing here. This was simply meant to be in good humor.

I chose 2p!Canada just because it would be more interesting the regular Canada. :iconcanadasulkplz:

No offence to Canada.

:iconcanadasulkplz::iconsaysplz: It's okay, eh...
Add a Comment:
 
:iconn-cbyrnon:
N-Cbyrnon Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Whenever I pass by someone who's smoking, I seriously hold my breath and then I start breathing once I'm a meter away from 'em.
Reply
:iconfeindlyfox:
FeindlyFox Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2015  Hobbyist
Yeah I do that, people look at me funny...  ._.
Reply
:icondudethepug:
Dudethepug Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2015  Student Filmographer
ME TOO! *Highfive*
Reply
:iconn-cbyrnon:
N-Cbyrnon Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh gosh I thought it was only me~ xD *highfive*
Reply
:iconxxcrowned-clownxx:
Xxcrowned-clownxX Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2015
I'm actually canadian, and I have never heard of wearing underwear underneath a swimsuit, but it's probably true, because people from certain parts of Canada are hella weird. But we don't like to talk about them.
Reply
:icondaviagirl101:
daviagirl101 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2015  Student Writer
Bruh, I saw that vine(pulling the fire extinguisher out in blaming it on the person smoking) XD
Reply
:iconxsilversiren:
XSilverSiren Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2014
... We don't wear underwear under swimsuits... (At least not me or anyone I know in Canada)
Reply
:iconsnow-master286:
snow-master286 Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2014
This was mega funny!!! Lol :iconthumbsupplz:
Reply
:iconsrena3100:
srena3100 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2014
Is there part two
Reply
:iconxxnordicflagsxx:
xxNordicFlagsxx Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2014
In all fairness, I did warn you....DON'T SMOKE IN MAH SHOP. 
Reply
:iconamericanlover152:
americanlover152 Featured By Owner May 31, 2014
Yay! *sprays him more*
Reply
:iconnekolovernile:
NekoLoverNile Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2014  Student General Artist
Haha hell yeah! That was awesome! XD
Reply
:iconrainbowsqueals:
RainbowSqueals Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This was... :iconprussiadivaplz:  awesome.
Reply
:iconkittykatrocks12:
kittykatrocks12 Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Ha I made him look like a fool. Now we need a new fire extinguisher
Reply
:iconxsweetfangx:
xSWEETFANGx Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
That was Fruking Epic
Reply
:icononeangryginger:
OneAngryGinger Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
As a Canadian, I have heard many, MANY stereotypes. And I have to say, I have NEVER heard the 'underwear under the swimsuit' one before XD
Reply
:iconfeindlyfox:
FeindlyFox Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2015  Hobbyist
Yeah, I'm Canadian and the only time I ever do that is when I'm actually at the store trying on swimsuits since it's policy. :| (Blank Stare)  (Sorry if that's TMI)
Reply
:iconxsilversiren:
XSilverSiren Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2014
I know. Like sure, we might wear them under clothes, but I honestly never hear or seen anyone do that
Reply
:iconbadtouchtriomiyazaki:
BadTouchTrioMiyazaki Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Neither have I, but now that I think about it...xD I think I've probably done that before
Reply
:icononeangryginger:
OneAngryGinger Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I know I never did. O_o
Reply
:iconiceland4:
Iceland4 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
I'd smack him and shove him out. .3.
Reply
:iconmoriartyssniper:
moriartyssniper Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2013
Well, fire extinguishers work just as well.
Reply
:iconiceland4:
Iceland4 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Yes they do
Reply
:iconmoriartyssniper:
moriartyssniper Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2013
As seen here.
Reply
:iconiceland4:
Iceland4 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
*^* eff yes
Reply
:iconmoriartyssniper:
moriartyssniper Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2013
:)
Reply
:iconiceland4:
Iceland4 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Hey if u wanna see something really pretty look up mountain views in wyoming. I went there this summer and my heart is giving off some seriously strong longings to go back. For some reason i feel more at home there than i do in georgia which is where i was born and raised
Reply
:iconpoisonedbite666:
PoisonedBite666 Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2013  Student General Artist
I live in Wyoming so I was so excited to see that someone posted something nice about it instead of just it's coal and oil. A few reasons you might feel more at home in Wyoming, one: there are approximately 168 people per square mile in Georgia. The population is 9.29 million. In Wyoming we have approximately 576,412 living here, that's about 5.89 people per square mile. That's a lot more room to breathe. Two We as a state are nice people who will still help you if you are broke down on the side of the road or lost or anything of the sort. Three we have no big cities. Our big cities are like 50,000 people. meaning there are a lot of places that go untouched because with our low population we don't need to build houses every 10 feet. In places you can drive for a hundred miles and never see one house.

Which mountains did you see?

Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconelisavetaawesome12:
Elisavetaawesome12 Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2013  Student General Artist
Yeah
Reply
:iconfullbustermetalzoro1:
FullBusterMetalZoro1 Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
HAHA FRUK YEAH! BADDASS KICKASS GIRLS ALL THE WAY! (I don't like it when people makes the reader an airheaded little bitch who can't handle herself) ....anywho~ Amazing story. 2p!Canada was right on the file. But isn't his fan made 2p! name James Silliams (Like Alfred's is Allen's, Ludwig's Lutz (Luther), Feliciano is Luciano, Kiku is Kuro, ect.? Either way it was a fantastic story! the plot was cool, I've heard Canadians say "eh" a lot, so it's true.... It's cool how stern the reader is, mainly becuase I act the same
Reply
:iconmoriartyssniper:
moriartyssniper Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2013
I don't give a damn what their "fan names" are. I use nicknames based off of the 1p! names. Don't try to force your opinions on other people. I'm not trying to be mean, this is just the way I work, and it really bothers me when people try to change that.
Reply
:iconfullbustermetalzoro1:
FullBusterMetalZoro1 Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm not trying to. 
Reply
:iconiceland4:
Iceland4 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Its Matthew Williams. Ask the girl with a "friend" from Quebec which i dunno is me
Reply
:iconcaty34576:
Caty34576 Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
take that flame-resistant dildo out of my fucking store BITCH :iconedwardcameplz:
2pCanada::iconreactionplz:......……..…
Reply
:iconlettheworldbreath:
lettheworldbreath Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
I haven't stopped laughing for like 5 minutes. I haven't laughed like that for a looonnnngg time!! Thank you!!
Reply
:iconmoriartyssniper:
moriartyssniper Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2013
Awww yeaaah. Pfft, flame resistant dildo. That much be a giant-ass cigarette.
Reply
:iconcaty34576:
Caty34576 Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Pfft
Reply
:icontaylorisnowgoat:
taylorisnowgoat Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
2pcanada: i do what i want *sits in middle of store with flame-resistant dildo in hand* 
Reply
:iconcaty34576:
Caty34576 Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
me::iconwthplz:i will fukking kill you :icondivaplz:HMMFH
Reply
:icontaylorisnowgoat:
taylorisnowgoat Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
2pcanada: heh try your best girlie 
Reply
:iconcaty34576:
Caty34576 Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Me:Okay -sprays with spray bottle-BAD!!
Reply
:icontaylorisnowgoat:
taylorisnowgoat Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
2pcanada: *flails arms* thats my hair your getting wet! 
Reply
:iconcaty34576:
Caty34576 Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
me:GET THAT DILDO OUT OF MY STORE -grabs MAGICAL dildo and throws it outside-NO DILDOS :iconbleedrainbowplz:
Reply
:icontaylorisnowgoat:
taylorisnowgoat Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
2pcanada: *takes back-up magic dildo out of pocket* your rules mean nothing to me and *snaches spray bottle* bad lil kiddies dont need the devils tool of torture 
Reply
(3 Replies)
:icondeathprincess2343:
DeathPrincess2343 Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013
I loved this.
Reply
:iconmoriartyssniper:
moriartyssniper Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2013
I'm glad!
Reply
:icondragonsong56:
dragonsong56 Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2013
Cancer stick... I need to write that down. You are a genius. :iconclapplz:
Reply
:iconmoriartyssniper:
moriartyssniper Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013
I have a lot of...colorful names for cigarettes.
Reply
:iconcaty34576:
Caty34576 Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
flame resistent dildo???!!! :D
Reply
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